Which Cycle Tour Cyclist Are You? | Bicycling

Which Cycle Tour Cyclist Are You?

A bike race like the Cycle Tour is pretty serious business. But sometimes you need to take a look at yourself as Average Joe Street would – and laugh. We commissioned investigative reporter Sean J Hooper* to study and profile the ‘typical’ rider of the Cape Argus Pick n Pay Cycle Tour. These are his (totally independent) findings.

*He’s an expert in the field, so we knew better than to question his methods (especially when it came to ‘(NON-CYCLING) MAGS IN THEIR TOILET RACK – see profiles below.)

Sub-3

Sub3SPOT ’EM AT THE EXPO:Gaunt, hairless facial features, Oakley Jawbones or Radars on his head, wearing a golf shirt with a bike manufacturer or team’s logo. Most likely to be found at a bike shop discussing the latest carbon weave with other similar cats.
COFFEE: Espresso
HANGOUTS: Coffee shops, bike shops
BEER: Don’t be silly
CELLPHONE WALLPAPER: Bike manufacturer or team’s logo; supercar
COMPUTER WALLPAPER: Professionally shot photo of himself mid-sprint or half-way up a serious climb.
(NON-CYCLING) MAGS IN THEIR TOILET RACK: Women’s Health and Heat (the women); Cosmo, People, You (the men)
MOST VISITED WEBSITE: www.pezcyclingnews.com
TYPICAL DINNER WEAR: Golf shirt (with logo, of course), pleated shorts or designer jeans, large and shiny designer watch, loafers or Italian leather shoes
PRE-CYCLE TOUR SUPPER: 237g steamed chicken; 263g linguine (with low-cal pesto); 171g steamed sweet potato
TYPICAL ON-THE-BIKE WEAR: If he’s not wearing team gear, then a well-matched ensemble of the latest available threads with carbon shoes, white helmet, calf-length socks
OTHER INTERESTS: None

Sub-4

Sub4SPOT ’EM AT THE EXPO: Bit more neck and cheek than sub-3er. Has fashion eyewear on his head, but wears his heart rate monitor as a watch (always). Cargo shorts (to show off his legs) and flip-flops (to show off his sock tan). Livestrong bracelet. The best guy to ask where the deals are – probably done two or three laps of the floor already. Or read his/her Tweet about it.
COFFEE: Skinny latté, no sugar
HANGOUTS: Vida è Caffe
BEER: Windhoek Light, Castle Lite (but nothing in the week leading up to Cycle Tour Sunday – ‘I’m tapering’)
CELLPHONE WALLPAPER: Badly cropped, badly lit family or other-half snapshot, kids, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend
COMPUTER WALLPAPER: Scenic shot of Tour De France or Absa Cape Epic
(NON-CYCLING) MAGS IN THEIR TOILET RACK: Runner’s World, Men’s Health (for him); she has a subscription to Glamour
TYPICAL DINNER WEAR: Nondescript denim jeans
PRE-CYCLE TOUR SUPPER: Large portion pasta (penne, because he recently read a study about it being the most effective carbo-loading pasta shape)
TYPICAL ON-THE-BIKE WEAR: Bib shorts. Ranges from team replica gear to what was featured in last month’s gear pages. Not always well matched. Ankle socks, black shoes.
OTHER INTERESTS: Mountain biking, trail running, kayaking, Twitter, studying nutrition

Sub-5

Sub5SPOT ’EM AT THE EXPO:Pricing spares (tubes and bombs particularly) to stock up for the year ahead. Or he’s getting his legs waxed (for the first time since last year’s Expo)
COFFEE: Cappuccino, two sugars, extra chocolate sprinkles
HANGOUTS: The local – it’s a coffee shop by day, licenced bar at night, and serves above-average deli sandwiches
BEER: Yes please
CELLPHONE WALLPAPER:The default screen the phone came with
COMPUTER WALLPAPER: Picture of his 4×4, last family holiday, or black-&-white elephant image he took (and edited himself)
(NON-CYCLING) MAGS IN THEIR TOILET RACK: Private Edition, Getaway, SA 4×4, National Geographic Traveller (SA edition). She reads Shape and Marie Claire
TYPICAL DINNER WEAR: Nondescript denim jeans, trail shoes, khaki shirt
PRE-CYCLE TOUR SUPPER: Large portion pasta (penne, because the sub-4 sitting next to him recently read a study about it being the most effective carbo-loading pasta shape)
TYPICAL ON-THE-BIKE WEAR: An ill-fitting corporate branded effort

OTHER INTERESTS: Wildlife photography, overland travelling, whitewater rafting, fly-fishing

Novice

NoviceSPOT ’EM AT THE EXPO:Drooling over a carbon TT bike, pointing at the TT bars in wonder. Has two tyres slung over his shoulder (the slicks he’s going to put on his hardtail MTB as soon
as he gets home)
COFFEE: “Ya, thanks… whatever’s going, hey. Nescafé is always nice”
HANGOUTS: The office canteen
BEER: Cider for him; she’ll have a glass of the house semi-sweet white
CELLPHONE WALLPAPER: An animated screen that lights and dims – “it’s the latest power-saving app from androidothon.com”
COMPUTER WALLPAPER: Image of a robot. She has a pic of her pet.
(NON-CYCLING) MAGS IN THEIR TOILET RACK: WegSleep, You, Huisgenoot, Sarie
PRE-CYCLE TOUR SUPPER: Pasta special somewhere at the Waterfront
TYPICAL ON-THE-BIKE WEAR: The new shorts he or she bought at the Expo. Running shoes (for the flat pedals on the MTB). Where they got that helmet is anyone’s guess; might also be the wrong way round.
OTHER INTERESTS: Computer gaming, design, knitting

via Which Cycle Tour Cyclist Are You? | Bicycling.

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